5th July
2017
Am in my home finishing my
surgery practicals, waiting for my results. Already it’s been 6 years, if I
pass this time I will try to complete my internship by next year
hopefully and I will be a fine graduated MBBS doctor by 24.
Last time when results came it was
second week of January 2017, I was in my peripa (dad's elder brother) home when
results was announced, I couldn't breath properly, because for last two days
was like this by this same time, some motherfucker will call and tell that
today by noon results will be announced till 6pm I will be in same state of
mind with tachypnoea, tachycardia, palpitations, anxiety, mild tremors because
that was my second attempt and I had arrears in Medicine, Surgery, Pediatrics
so I was little less confidence in my results because am weak in theory and
adding to that surgery paper was tough but in practical exam I nailed it so in
some confidence thinking I would pass plus desire of getting new phone I came
to a conclusion of getting a new phone because that time dad was in a mood to
get me new phone with big budget I asked for pixel but he suggested Samsung so
ended up with Samsung S7 edge I was terribly happy after getting that mobile
that was flag ship mobile of that brand and that was the costliest mobile I
ever bought and mobile was awesome. But deep inside I was thinking about my
result and got mood out but I left that thought soon like let the result come.
telling myself that worrying is using our imagination in negative way, worrying
not gonna make any difference in the results ... bla bla bla...., finally
result date came I was in peripa house in fright sympathetic system activation
my bowel was emptying frequently I came from toilet slept in the bed in the
hall and was trying hard to sleep but couldn't so I was just closing my eyes
and lying down and was thinking about my first time result of final year June
2016.
I was in peripa house
only, lunch was getting ready but I was in the same state of anxiety and
worrying about my results but I studied okay and did practical exam good but
from L.K.G till now for every exam I wrote I by default think, I did the exam
well and every time that was right, but I thought the same scenario will happen
in college but I was wrong many time right from my first year I failed in all
three subjects. So my family decided to keep tuition for me for all three
subjects, I said I don’t need for Physiology, so I got help from Mugunthan sir
for anatomy he is really very good professor, sometime I will be studying in
his home that time when I fell sleepy he use to put tea as a refreshment for
us, for biochemistry I got help from Niranjan sir, he was having hard time with
me initially, because I want do writing he give be me before day, later he told
my family… BOOM !! abracadabra everything fell in the places properly. I r ed
physiology by myself so I was very worried that it may be gone once again but
to my great surprise I cleared all three subjects in the next attempt, everyone
was amazed so I was, but I didn't felt any major changes in my theory
performance but the thing is I passed all three subjects Anatomy, Physiology,
Biochemistry in second attempt in first year then came second year exams
literally I swear I dunno how I passed all the subjects in first attempt
Pathology , Microbiology, Pharmacology, Forensic Medicine. I know I will be
passing in Pharmacology for sure, not that I studied that good its because HOD
ma’am was that good ma’am, Forensic medicine was kind of R rated subject so
little more interest in it, so I know thing in it. But Pathology and
Microbiology is simply huge, specially pathology is double huge, but still I
studied both the subject kind of good and I passed in all the subjects by
getting exact pass mark that was both shocking and awesome. In third year there
was three subject E.N.T, Ophthalmology, Community Medicine. In these ENT they
make us to study in different ways like asking questions in demo room, seminar,
assignment which I wrote two notebooks fully. Community Medicine is like doing
PhD in English literature, if we write the exam well literally we will pass.
Ophthalmology was also easy or we can it not huge, but lazy me got failed
because I focused more on ENT and CM. but I cleared it next time, I wasn’t I
that much tension. Finally came FINAL YEAR exams and it went
awful and it ended. I was in Thanjavur, waiting for my results, since I was
little more frustrated and bored and empty I stayed there in my peripa house,
for 2 days I was just under serious mood out and then third day result I was
severely mood out because of my results. I and was struggling by thinking
what am gonna do. First said to my peripa and perima and to my brother about
result, they were not upset with my results but instead they were consoling me
that MBBS is little tough only. They told me read will next time and get though
final year. But that day I didn’t tell about my results to my parent because I
scared and dad was also little ill and decided that I will tell him tomorrow
morning and I asked my peripa to tell that lot failed in exam this time
external was tough and the correction was also tough, to be true that was the
true. Likewise next day after noon I called my dad and said him about my
results he was damn upset till that time I was there in my peripa house only, I
was getting some scolding from dad then cut the call after sometimes mom called
and said it okay don’t worry too much you can clear it next time, try the
revaluation this time and asked me to come home. I went home then went to
college applied revaluation as expected no change in the results. Little more
disappointment because I genuinely studied good and prayed a lot but thing
weren’t favoring towards me. June ended in a bad way, but at least I got my
friends who are in the same boat very few reached the shore, so hoping for
better new year and results I started preparing for my exams, two or three
months later`
Now we are in January 2017 phone was ringing I was in the same bed in which
I was sitting during my last results in which I cleared only in
Obstetrics and Gynecology. I took the phone and saw GK was calling and answered
the phone he said I passed only in Pediatrics alone I couldn’t tell anything I
was very much worried because literally I didn’t work hard for Pediatrics I
just studied for 3 days I had that leave after my surgery theory and I passed
in it but I worked hard like shit for surgery and medicine but I fucking failed
and I was thinking what am gonna tell my parent, I actually said them that surgery
was bit tough but I failing in medicine was shock for me too. I dunno whether
they will understand me or what they gonna think, I was highly worried about my
dad’s disappointment because of me again and again, this is the only thing I
was worried and prayed that this shouldn’t be ending like this but my fucking
bad time it ended in the way I feared. I told my perima and my cousin brother,
they this time first consoled me then enquired what the real difficulty and
then I called my peripa and said about this he said okay lets talk about this
by evening and we will tell about results tomorrow. I couldn’t eat that days
lunch that day was Friday peripa came home and said two subjects only right
study well and clear next time, your dad will be worrying if he know this, tell
him tomorrow morning he is already ill and he went to change his clothes.
Mean time I thought about reality and felt very bad and prayed for myself
to help me. And felt really guilty about this that I really don’t wanna make
them to feel bad thinking about me but I couldn’t help with that. Later,
peripa came and see my face and he took me and my cousin brother to hotel and
bought us parotta as comforting I guess. Next day I went to my home that was
Sunday I still didn’t tell my family, I can not do it because I don’t have that
much inner strength so I planed like I go tomorrow to college telling my family
that tomorrow the results may be put. So I next day Monday I went to college by
noon time and when I was in college my dad called that time itself I told
him that just now results was put on notice board and I failed again in
medicine and surgery and he felt very bad and what am gonna do why are you and
passing and what is your problem in getting through this but I had no answers
for those questions I was standing still and after some times of silence he
hung up the call and mom called me and advice me don’t worry study well, only
two subject is there, don’t worry just study well. I went to my home in
Pondicherry there I said my grandma and grandpa about my results and they
didn’t tell much they too said study well next time and things were just like
that was so hard while thinking about my family and two main subjects am still
having no change in the hard work needed or technically no burden was reduced
plus added up disappointed father about his son mom was not that much
disappointed or she is not showing her feeling. What ever it is the most
fucking rough time I was facing. As my mom and peripa said I applied for
re-evaluation with less hope because I have applied for myself for
re-evaluation three times and including me everyone got no change in the
re-evaluation results. February came, I was on my way to MMC after attending my
first day of medicine practical class conducted for failed students. That time
I got call form GK but this time oh my god he said unbelievable and happy news,
actually half happy but still I was hella happy, he was first to convey I was
pass in Medicine in re-evaluation, that time I remembered all my prayers I did,
asking Jesus to change my results from fail to pass as you were changing water
in to wine in the marriage. Yes it worked god answered my prayers, may be half
this time fully next time, I was thanking god for this needed miracle, then I
said my friends everyone was happy and dad he was kind of happy and mom and
both peripa everyone was happy only creature was little sad because I passed
was Walter because we both failed in medicine and surgery and planed to study
together but in re-valuation I passed in medicine.
This time June 2017 first paper was easy and second paper was too general about
surgery little disappointed by paper two question, Practical long case I did
well short case was okay not bad but orthopedics was kind of hell. Despite of
how many subjects or how much days for study or how hard you study, I always
have tremendous amount of fear while thinking about results. This time single
subject so kind of little cool, mostly I will pass. If not am fucking doomed
for another 6 month I an unimaginable way
Toady 7/7/2017 Dhoni’s birthday, so far I didn’t get my results. If I pass I
will be updating this quicker if not I need some time to gain strength to write
about how fucked I was from the day of resultL. Fuck it.
With lots of prayer and hope waiting for my results…
Ciao~
18 July 2017
Mother
fucking results came on 15th July along with mighty tides of sorrows
and pain and disappointments and regrets which all successfully made me to
question the use of my integrity and doubt my capabilities. I was actually was
that much terrified about my results because two thing, one is I believed I
have done both surgery theory and practical good enough to pass and that’s true
my gut says and Secondly I was in some kind of fake confidence that am having
only one subject that I will pass for sure even I know in past history there is
victims who were suffering my current
situation, still I was clouded by various fake confidences or over confidences
but that didn’t affect my preparations in anyway am damn sure but I still feel
something of this must do with my reduced fear and that leads to reducing of my
request to pass me in the exam to GOD, I was searching place where I did
mistakes now.
Saturday, the confirmed day for the results, noon time I was trying to
be cool and I put my mobile in mute and was reading one Indian women. Out of
some urge and anxiety I checked my phone there was missed call from Ritchie and
there was a image received from him, I checked that message that was picture of
results displayed in notices board, I searched my name hoping there must be
pass pass in my line but there was fail fail yup it was like fuck you fuck you,
that right a fucking huge wrecking ball hitting all my dream I thought I would
be getting after pass this thing which turns out a fat kick in my ass. And I
called Ritchie I guess and he was searching for words comforting as I was
pressing him with my shock and heart break moment over him. Yup seriously, it
was huge heart break because i haven’t been in a serious relationship so I
dunno about break ups but all I do know is every time when my results says I
have failed despite of all my hard work and sacrifice and all the tough shit I
was going through for months had no use.
This time I was in my home, my brother was there from beginning right
from the shock moment then to depressing moment after hearing results. My next
though was how am gonna tell my parent about this am already soulless body. I
was sacred how to tell my dad about this and evening came dad was in home mom
is not still home I was in deep oscillation shall I go and tell him first. I
was thinking with lot of guilt and the time is now six thirty mom, was now more
tensed that how am gonna tell her. Call her, she came into room and asked me
confusingly what happened after seeing my uneasy face I guess, i said results
have came and with that discomfort from me she guess have I failed again I said
yes. She started to feel bad about the fail and was asking why what happened
you said you did well right !! I said yes I did both theory and practical good
and now she was worried like me how to tell my dad about this, dad was bust in
call soon he finished his call mom entered the room I was following her. After
she opened the hard news I was thinking infinity worst scenarios in my head
that might gonna happen but what happened was out of the box, dad was kind off
calm and asked me you done well in the exams right I said yes and he said why
they are doing this and was concerning about the months that’s keep on wasting
every single time and called peripa to tell the current situation and asked can
we sort out this and after the talk he said me lets try to sort out. Yup that
was hugely taking care of my sinking heart in worries. Apart from my own
shattered dreams this negative result shatters my parent’s dreams too, and
seeing them feeling bad about us will even more kill us and destroy completely
but actually most this what they feel and think Is what we assume that’s
happening. But above their hard feeling they this time they said my don’t
worry, you have done this time good right, so lets try to sort this out or
study hard more you will finish soon.
Next day I came
to Pondicherry, hoping that something could change with god’s grace. Not yet
received my mark sheets but am now in Pondy hoping that I should have failed in
theory in very bored range so possibilities of change in result will be high
and praying to god as much I could because last time he did a miracle in my
life am thankful to him wishing that same must happen. And praying to give
courage and endurance to face my life with all its crazy tragedies and stay
with me and guide me always.
Genuinely I thought, this blog will end after my result that I passed,
but Its continuing till I pass in December or in re evaluation. Seriously all I
the above thing I wrote are just the narrow short story of what happens during
every results and how that makes me to feel. to be true it’s a tip of iceberg.
If am more good in writing I can sure write trilogy will all the mixed emotions
and breaks I had these many times. Crazy life it is. But its over when we think
its over. Fake it till we make it. Will see you after re-evaluations or in
December…
20/11/2017
am here in thanjavur after completing my theory exams. i seriously dint read the above things in this blog today because i dont think i could lots of true sorrow stuffs.
theory paper was easy and practicals on December 19th huge gap inbetween. hopefully i must pass this time in practicals and theory too. practicals must go as easy as theory. oh god please help me !!
30/12/2017
GOOD NEWS !! finally passed in surgery. seven days after my practicals it came, its the fastest decision my college taking next to giving suspensions. they said i would be early. On 27th they said today result is coming but i still was not that tensed because inner me said they are fooling you and making you tensed like before so be cool we have time to do all that. Rocket called me and said check our college site they have published it in online. suddenly all that feelings came in to me, those tension, palpitations, mild breathlessness, dry mouth, world was slow motion, sympathetic system took a jump start, i got some feeling in stomach that was the most prominent thing. all this happened, mom was near me, she asked me what, i said result came it seems, she immediately looked at picture of god and prayed. i saw that and got bit more scared and prayed oh god please save me and finally opened my college site result page and it was asking my roll number and my date of birth. i was telling Jesus Jesus Jesus for every letter i was typing that much scared i was, i pressed ENTER and the i felt my heart beat and full focus on screen and mom was looking at me and i was looking at the screen and more slowing down of world page almost loaded and it flashed boom !! i saw was four letter word and cant read it that much tension built inside bad thing is PASS and FAIL have four letters and went little closer and saw the word PASS !!! felt the rush of happiness inside me that 2 seconds of eternal peace which Ritchi used to tell and said my mom i passed. she wished me congrats and went to god`s photo and prayed and me to prayed from from my chair and slowly world was came back to normal speed and body felt light and i put PASS in the politics circle group they wished me and calls came and congrats came and i called all my family members and said with happiness i passed they all were happy as me i guess. since result was not put up in notice board, PCU was asking about raja and ashok`s result. first i saw raja`s result motherfuckers they failed him in all the subjects he would be sad because he comparatively to previous exams he diid he worked for this. i thought he would have cleared any two but life isnt fair after all, i dunno how am gonna tell him because, he cheered me up when ever i was down even on the result day i was scared and i call him he said " there is no point for you to get scared or worried about your result " and said get ready for internship. that much good heart now gonna get sad by me i thought what to do, i called GC he was with raja, he said we know his result just now and nothing more to talk so i said something and hangup.
Not even one time where everyone in PCU was happy after the result day, that is the only thing PCU never witnessed. Then i saw Ashok`s result he passed he passed with flying colours.
Next day raja called came, i was thinking multiple things and attend the call, he said "congratulations" இந்த மனசு தான் SIR கடவுள் !!. next result will be about his. he loves to pass but not willing work hard for that so am gonna make that my foremost duty to make him study hard as much as he is partying. mad mofo right now NEWYEARS EVE he is dancing in Pune to EDM. :D
